Joining the conversation this week is Best-selling Author of Walk Beside Me, Motivational Speaker, Model, Humanitarian, Mentor & Mother- Christine Handy.
Christine shares with us how her health battles, faith, and friendship reignited her purpose. We also discussed her book, "Walk Beside Me", and the exciting news of it being turned into a Feature Film called, Willow.
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Interview with Christine Handy
*Text has been edited for clarity
Calla: So I want to know first of all, did you have your walk today?
Christine Handy: I did. Um, yes, I did. I walked on the treadmill. But I did go for a walk.
Calla: Any insights, any downloads today on your walk?
Christine Handy: Oh, I listened to actually one of the interviews that I did about a week and a half ago. You know, when I first started to become a speaker and I started to get interviewed a lot about three years ago. Well, I became a speaker five years ago, but my story really became much more popular about three years ago. And I really didn't listen to any of the interviews for a long time. I just I knew I'd done my job and I just moved on. And now I listen to them because I think it helps me. Maybe just work out a little kinks.
Leanne: Like refine it a little bit. I could see that.
Christine Handy: Yeah. Look at the kitty!
Leanne: Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, he he's my secretary. He'll be here all day.
Christine Handy: Okay, good. Yeah, listen, I lived in the perfectionist world for a long time I was a model for a while I'm still a model for 40 years. I don't do perfection anymore. So I'm not listening to my podcasts or my interviews or anything to be more or better, or different. I'm just listening to it. And whatever takeaway I get from it, and listen, I preach to myself, like literally I listen to my own interviews and go, whatever she said, you know, because I speak what I preach. And I preach what I say because I believe it. And so sometimes I have to remind myself of it. Listen, I read my own book over and over and over again. When I feel less courage in my life. I pick up my book, and I look at all the things that I've accomplished. I don't mean, my book, I'm talking about gone through cancer or gone through a bully doctor that destroyed my arm those things, then I get a little bit more courage.
Calla: I was finishing it yesterday on my treadmill walk actually, and I felt you like beside me. I was like, I've got to get through this. I can do it. Your story was absolutely incredible. And I enjoyed it. You know, from from cover to cover. I really did. It was fantastic.
Christine Handy: Well, interestingly enough, that's just what happened until 2014. There has been so much that has happened after that. So it's, it's actually crazy, but I wrote a sequel and I'm actually getting my master's degree at Harvard right now. So I'm kind of refining the sequel, because I'm, I'm now trained to be a writer versus when I wrote that book. I wasn't technically trained. And so my sequel is probably going to come out in about a year.
Calla: Oh, well, I'll be getting it.
Leanne: You can't tell me there's more health hardships in your sequel than you've already had.
Christine Handy: Girl. Let me let me share this, let me share this. So in 2020, March of 2020, when the horrible world had stopped over COVID, I felt a little itch in my left breast cavity. And now I had an implant. So I had mastectomy in 2012, I had another mastectomy in 2016 to take the other side off, just preventative. And so I liked my chest, meaning I would have preferred to keep my own. But that wasn't an option. So I had implants. And I liked the implants. And so and I live in Miami, like the the implants didn't move. And I was good with that. And, so in March of 2020, I feel kind of an itch in my left chest. And I'm like, you know, I've had so many reconstructions on that side, I'm sure it's fine. And so I just go back to my computer in about two hours later, the itch came, like a massive amount of bees. And I went into my closet, and I lifted up my shirt, and my entire left breast was a bright red look like a red, you know, those red delicious apples. And it was shocking. Only that breast. And so I texted a picture to my surgeon and to my oncologist. And they both immediately called me within like 30 seconds. And they said, get to the emergency room. Now. This is March of 2020, when nobody was going to the emergency room. Nobody. They weren't even, they wouldn't even let you get close to the emergency room. So I pull up, I drive myself, I pull up to the emergency room. And there's a person in a hazmat suit outside of the emergency room. And she was like, like, , What are you doing here? And I go, Well, my doctor told me to come. So let me in, he's in there, he was in there waiting for me. So I ended up spending four days in the hospital. On the seventh floor where there was three other patients, there was nobody in the hospital other than COVID patients, and there was one floor where they had four patients. And it was really confusing during that time, because I thought, Well, should I be worried that I'm gonna get COVID in here? And what's going on with this breast thing? And I mean, I've already been through breast cancer, like what could possibly be happening now? And they let me go with a PICC line in my arm. I don't know if you know what that is.
Leanne: I had one. Yeah. Yeah, it's the worst.
Christine Handy: I've had three now. Oh, my gosh, they're the worst. And so I had a PICC line for two weeks. Then my doctors, I had a checkup, they said I was fine. So now, fast forward to the end of April 2020. Still, nobody's going to the hospital. Nobody wants to get near the hospital. And the same thing happened. I go for my walk. I come back, I sit at my desk and I'm working. And I say I still have this itch. And I'm, I'm like, There's no way that this has happened to get Sure enough to go in my closet. Same thing happened. But this time, the redness was going up my chest like you could see it going up my chest. Go to the emergency room that keep me for five days, they send me home with antibiotics. They say I'm fine. I believe them. Like there's no redness on my breast. There's no swelling, there's no pain. So I believe them. Six weeks later, I'm flying home from going to see my son because I hadn't seen him since COVID. started and I'm getting off a plane into Miami and I don't feel good. And I'm I'm in the Uber and I'm not looking at my phone, which is really unlike me, because I'm usually like, I'm usually like trying to get emails done and and so I'm kind of like, my head's kind of laying on the the chair in the Uber and I get home and I'm trying to take off my shirt and trying to get in the shower because whenever I get off an airplane, I feel so dirty.
Leanne: Yeah.
Calla: Totally.
Christine Handy: That I just my first place to go is a shower. So I'm trying to walk to the shower, but I know I feel really bad and I just chalked it up to it. It was just a long day of travel. And by the time I got to my shower, I'm holding my shirt and my shirt is sticking to my body. And I get the shirt off and there is a hole in my breast. And green pus is oozing out of my chest.
Leanne: Oh my god.
Christine Handy: And I'm like, so I, I text a picture to my oncologist and my surgeon and my oncologist Facetime's me because she she wants to know now I realized this later she wants to see what I look like. Because when you have an infection, it's eaten away your skin through your body. There's a real problem. So I get to the emergency room and I had a MRSA infection because if you have a staph infection and the antibiotics and everything they're trying to do doesn't work, it becomes a worse infection. So mine turned into a MRSA infection which is deadly. And so within five hours, my breast cavity was excavated. No more implants, no more opportunity for an implant because now I've lost so much skin from the MRSA infection that now I have a concave chest. So yes since my book that happened.
Leanne: Can you catch a break?
Christine Handy: I mean, I know. And I'm still standing. I'm still smiling. I'm still preaching, I'm still serving because we've got to take all that pain, we got to take all that post-traumatic wisdom and we got to give it out like confetti, like candy, like Halloween, we have to help other people. Because there's so many times during my journey that when I felt hopeless, I don't want other people to feel hopeless. I want to equip them with with the tools that I didn't have. That's a gift.
Leanne: It is, it really is. But a lot of people don't get there. A lot of people get stuck in the why me? And I can't believe this is happening, especially over and over again. How do you keep picking yourself back up? After all these things keep happening to you?
Christine Handy: Well, I think for me, I had such a low self esteem for most of my life for 40 years. And it was just this constant comparison to society. I mean, I was I was a model I worked in Europe, I was a successful model, and the constant cutting me down. And I'm not saying the modeling industry isn't wonderful, it is. I still am in that industry. But it was a difficult industry, especially when you start at a very young age, to figure out who you are on the inside, because you're so focused on the outside. And so I was faced with these illness and chronic pain and suffering physical suffering and emotional suffering. I had to really look inside and do a lot of introspection. And I realized my self esteem was built on sand, I realized that my self esteem needed a lot of work. And so during 15 months of chemotherapy, instead of wallowing in my sorrow, which by the way I did in the beginning, instead of wallowing and staying in that, "why me?" space, I decided to figure out who I was. And I decided to ask the questions, why not me? What can I do with this pain? How can I help other people with all this suffering? And that turned into writing my book, which then turned into becoming a speaker, which then turned into doing what I do now. And I almost feel like the modeling part, being in front of a camera for so long was a platform to do what I do.
Calla: It was preparing you.
Christine Handy: Preparing me, yeah. And so I I rebuilt myself on faith, I rebuilt myself on unstoppable ground, meaning my self esteem is unshatterable. Because my measure is with God. My measure isn't likes, my measure isn't followers. My measure isn't accolades from society. My measure isn't a bigger, better modeling job. My measure isn't a bigger, better interview. Those things are nice, right? I'm walking in New York Fashion Week. That's a nice, that's a nice thing. But I don't get my worth from that. Right?
Leanne: Did it take the illness for you to get there? So it has not always been that way?
Christine Handy: Oh, no, no, no, I'm like a different person. I was very much wrapped up into materialism, I was very much wrapped up into false idols. Make no mistake about it, I loved who I was, but I'm a different person. I love who I am now. And I went from being very self involved in self serving, even though it was so insecure, to being, you know, very selfless and trying to serve other people. And now I'm so secure in who I am. And it's much easier to give out when you're very secure with who you are. And I don't want people to think that it's easy. Doing the self care and the self - love work is very hard, takes a lot of practice. It's like eliminating all the negativity in your life, which is hard because you have to eliminate people, you have to eliminate habits, you have to eliminate things that you're used to watching, voices you're listening to hearing, right. But if you take the time to do that, and you rebuild on, you know what's inside, you know, what really makes you tick. Like, really what really keeps you up at night, right? Those types of things. And you figure that out and you do the introspective work to do that. You know, you can really change your life and feel so much more joy. I live in chronic pain. And I was very happy in my previous life, right? But I feel joy now. And that comes from helping other people.
Leanne: Well, I just think when you are insecure, and you don't have much self worth, you can't help but be self serving because you're working from an emptiness. Like there's no room for helping other people. So it's almost like the confidence almost has to come first before you can, you know be more selfless. When you realized you were dependent on your appearance for so long, because I think I heard you were modeling since you were 11.
Christine Handy: Yes.
Leanne: That's your whole life.
Christine Handy: Yeah.
Leanne: When that kind of got ripped away from you. Can you walk us through like what you just said that whole experience of realizing like I need to focus on other things to help my self esteem.
Christine Handy: Yeah, I mean when I was when it was stripped away from me and I was really dependent on external things, not just external people, external accolades and of course, my physical dependency on my, what I look like, when that was stripped away from me, I felt total despair. I have never felt so low in my life, or I just didn't even want to live. And because I didn't know anything else, I was really caught up in the materialism, like you said, when we feel empty inside, we fill it with something. Some people fill it with alcohol, some people fill it with drugs, I was I was filling it with friends, I was filling it with false idols. I was filling it with bags, right, like going shopping. And it wasn't working. And so when I was faced with cancer after I just had a major illness, before that, I felt such despair. I didn't know how to move on. And I had a group of women in Dallas, who showed up for me. And when they started to show up for me, and they said to me, your value isn't about what you look like, we love you for who you are inside. And I thought they're bullshitting me. There's no way. They're just saying that because I'm sick. They're just trying to be nice to me. And it was this pride and ego that I had within myself, like, I'm not worthy, they're not going to keep showing up for me, I'm going to go through 15 months of chemo and cancer, they're going to forsake me. And I don't even know if I'm going to get through it. And I was focused on the outcome, right, I was focused on whether I was going to get through it. And when I was able to let go of the pride and able to let go of the ego and say to them and myself, I need help. I need you guys to show up. And you know, in this world, I think we're programmed as women to be so independent, and to take care of ourselves. And it's kind of a sign of weakness not to do that. It's actually not true. It's a sign of, it's a sign of courage to ask for help. And so when I started to ask for help, and people showed up for me, and they kept showing up for me, that nurtured my self esteem. So they were building the foundation, they were like a courage net for me. And then once that net was secure, they would say to me, once you're once you're done with chemo, and once you're off on your own, you now you are now on solid ground. And I believed that, and I believed in myself. And so there's tons of quiet moments when you're going through chemotherapy or when you're waiting for surgery. I mean, there are many days, I was just laying on my bathroom floor, I didn't get up for hours, because I was so ill. And it was during those times where I was like, Okay, who are you? Okay, what do you want to do with your life moving forward? If I get through this? What do I want to do? And how do I want to walk through this to show the people in my life? Like, do I want to show my kids here? Do I want to show my kids courage, it's our reaction to trauma that really matters. And so when people show up for you, and they have their like, the courage net, and then you start to feel good about yourself, and you start to rebuild from the inside out, then your life can really shift. Now, I know a lot of people who didn't do that, They got stuck in that paralysis of pain. You know, if you're in chronic pain, or if you are depleted from chronic illness and getting punched around in this world, which by the way, we all do on some level, right? Doesn't have to be cancer diagnosis, we all get pushed around. And so if you're not on solid ground, meaning you have a solid self esteem, and your life is built on something that can't be taken away, bags can be taken away, money can be taken away, friends can be taken away, taken away, your beauty can be taken away, and we're all going to age, right. So if we're not focused so much on that, and we focus on other things. For me, it's faith. I think it's too shaky. I don't think you can build your life on that I tried, it didn't work.
Calla: I recently heard that both fear and faith have the same heartbeat, but it's the lens in which you look out, you know, and that's how you attack things. And I thought it was just so beautiful. And then I had heard that right after I read "Walk Beside Me". And I was like, Well, okay, this makes a whole lot of sense. Right Now.
Leanne: Message Received.
Calla: Message Received. Definitely, definitely. And I love that. And as your perspective was shifting, and so what was your? If this is too personal? Don't Don't feel like you need to answer where you raised faith based? Spiritually, how did you start to lean into that?
Christine Handy: So I was raised Catholic, and I kind of I kind of walked away from Catholicism when I was in college. It didn't mean I walked away from God. But I didn't put a lot of time and effort into it. And it's interesting when I was right, might when I've young kids and my friends. I have really started these strong friendships in Dallas. My friends would say, "Hey, can you go to Bible study with me on Wednesday?" And I was like,"No, I've got a yoga class." And it was because the yoga was more important than the faith and I was building my life on that. Those are all choices, right? I chose to I chose to ignore that for a long time. It doesn't mean that I didn't have God in my heart and believe in that. I did. But I wasn't pouring into it. I wasn't meditating on that I was meditating on other things, which, by the way, were taken away from me.
Calla:Yeah, that's true. I didn't think of that aspect of it.
Christine Handy: Yeah. Like, you you read my book, like think about my arm, like yoga was an idol for me. Now, I can't even do yoga. You know, materialism, shopping was an idol for me. I can hardly carry a bag. I usually carry the ones that you know, go around your chest.
Leanne: Can you go into that part of your story about what happened with your arm and the doctor and everything.
Christine Handy: Yeah. So I think, let me start off with this. I think when you're insecure, you listen to other voices. You listen to negativity in your own mind, but you also listen to outside voices that maybe aren't really cheering you on. And so when I had a torn ligament, my right wrist, I went to see a doctor in Dallas, who happened to be a Stanford grad, who haven't beat the best clinic right? And, and so I trusted him. So he performed the surgery on my right wrist, and six weeks later, the cast came off. And the day after the cast came off, my arm literally ballooned, like I woke up the next morning, which is Sunday, and my arm looked like my thigh bone. It was grotesquely swollen, the pain was indescribable. And so I called the doctor that Sunday, which by the way, I was ashamed to do, because I thought, "Oh I'm putting him out, it's Sunday, I don't want to bother him." But I got up enough courage to call him and he told me that I over-iced it. Well, because I don't have a medical degree, I believed him. And the other thing about intense pain, which I now know, is when you are in intense pain, you cling to people of authority, and you don't remember things that are unimportant. So everything that he said to me was like Bible, okay, just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do, because the pain was so intense. So a couple of days later, I said to my husband, will you please call the doctor, the pain is so horrific, I can't even get out of bed, I stopped eating and drinking anything. So I didn't have to go to the restroom. I carried my arm on my chest like a baby. And so I finally got into see my doctor. And he said, you have this condition called RSD. He did not take a blood test, which again, I didn't notice he did not do an x ray. And he said, you have this connection in your brain where your brain is telling your limb, which is in this case was my right arm, that there's pain and swelling, but it's a misfire, it's really a condition in your head. And I thought, okay, so I googled it, right? And I figured out, okay, I've got six months to get any movement in my right wrist because RSD what it can do, if you have RSD is it limits the motion. And whatever limit is, for instance, it was my right arm. So he then sends me to a pain management doctor who concurs with his diagnosis. So now I have two doctors who said I have this condition called RSD. So I believe them. So for several months, I go to physical therapy that he he gave, you know, prescribed for me at Parkland Hospital. So he wanted to get me away from his office, he didn't want me to do physical therapy in his office. Now, again, looking back, I have a greater view of what was going on. But I didn't realize at the time. So he sends me far away from his office, I do physical therapy four or five days a week, every week, because I'm trying my best to get some movement in my right wrist before it locks up. Months later, I have other people in my life going you got to get a second opinion. Things are getting worse, not better. And I was like, no, he's a Stanford grad. He's the guy. You know, when he and this other doctor said the same thing. I'm good. I'm good. Even though I wasn't good. My hair was thinning. I was losing weight. There were other signs that were going on. And so I was just so focused on getting some movement in my wrist that that's all I was meditating on. And so ultimately, I'm walking in the neighborhood doing my daily walk. And one of the parks and recreation guys comes over to me. And he goes, Hey, and like he knew me. And I said hi. And he said, You have a new cast on today. And I looked at him I go, What do you mean? He goes, Well, gosh, you've had so many casts over the last several months. You know, I see walking all the time. And I looked out at my arm and at that point I'd had like 13 or 14 cast. And I immediately said to myself, You got to have a second opinion. And so I called a friend and she got me into a doctor. And the next day, I was in emergency surgery to cut out as much infection because I had an infection the entire seven months. That was slowly eating away my arm everything, every bone in my wrist was broken. I had no cartilage left. And that doctor bullied me. He dismissed me. He called me hysterical, hysterical housewife. One day, I sent him a picture of this piece of metal that popped out of one of the openings from the original surgery. And he told me that I made that picture up. Now, I didn't even tell my husband, that he had said that because I felt such shame. When we are bullied, we feel shame. And we feel paralyzed. I had no self esteem, that man was making my self esteme worse. And I was believing him because I didn't have enough confidence in myself. Ultimately, that on top of breast cancer fueled me to change my life. Fueled me to figure out Wait, something's not right. Like I'm, I'm putting my value in things that are sinking, I need to change this. And so it was those extreme situations that really propelled me to change and shift in my life. And now I live in chronic pain, unfortunately. And I have a fused arm, which means I don't have a wrist. So I'm handicapped. I'm in chronic pain, and I just deal with it.
Leanne: Did you have any communication with that doctor after you found out what was actually going on? Because that's absurd.
Christine Handy: It's disgusting. What he did to me was disgusting. We actually sued him, because I needed I wanted him to not to do it to somebody else. And when we went into mediation, he he was on, he was sitting in a different room. But when I got up to go the bathroom and by the way, when I was suing him, I was going through chemotherapy. So I had no hair. I was still in a cast in my arm. I was still in a cast. I had no hair and no eyelashes. And so I walked by him, and he smiled and laughed at me.
Leanne: Oh, I just got chills.
Christine Handy: Like at the lowest point in my life, the guy laughed at me. And I was like, I you know, it took me a while to forgive him. But I did forgive him. And here's why. It was too much weight that I was carrying. I was giving him too much power in my life. I had to I had to take all the power that he had taken from me. And I was like, I can't let you have another thought in my head. So I don't even think about him. Never. I mean, people ask me about all the time because it's such a sad story. And it's funny because people read my book and they're like, like, kind of get the breast cancer but the arm like it was when-
Calla: You do, you get hung up on the arm, you get really hung up on the arm. I was mad. I was mad when I was reading it.
Christine Handy: Well, and that's the other thing about anger, like we I have righteous anger, you have righteous anger. But if we stay in that anger, that's a choice
Calla: It becomes us.
Christine Handy: We can't stay in that anger. Right?
Leanne: Do you have trouble trusting doctors after that experience?
Christine Handy: So I did, I was diagnosed with cancer, I had gone up to New York City to have my arm fused, obviously, to get a new doctor. And in a hotel room in New York City, about to go see a doctor who just sees my arm, I have my six-week post arm fusion checkup. So I'm going to pass or my fingertips to my shoulder, right? You can't even brush your hair. When you have a cast like that. You can't do anything. It's paralysis in and of itself. You're so dependent on other people just for the simplest basic things, I couldn't even get dressed without help. So I'm in the shower. And for the months that I had a cast on in Dallas, I just poured liquid soap over my shoulder and just let it wash down my body. That's how I wash my body. Because I have this big cast and it's outside of the shower, right? So I'm in New York City, and I've got this big cast. And I'm like reaching out of the shower, and I look in the shower, and I'm in a hotel and there's no liquid soap. And so I'm exhausted, like what am I going to do now? So I take this bar soap and I'm like, I'll try to I'll try to wash as much as I can. And I feel a lump in my breast. And I just think there's no way. There's no way I have breast cancer. I have no family history of breast cancer. I'm 41 I'm a self proclaimed athlete. I am allergic to sugar.I'm other than this arm deal. I'm healthy. Sure enough, five days later, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. So yeah, things got pretty crazy quickly. And interestingly enough, we had to postpone chemo for a month. So I go meet an oncologist, right? Here's the trust with a doctor and before I even walk into his office, I'm thinking to myself, I'm not doing what he says, I'm not going to trust him. You know, doctors are liars. And that was a false idol for me. And I walk into his office and he goes, Oh, so you're the girl with the arm. He completely like has compassion.
Calla: He read. He knew your story.
Christine Handy: He knew my story. He made me feel like a person. And so I was I was I bought in right then, you know, if we show people compassion and empathy, it changes the whole dynamic. If we don't hear people, if we don't listen to each other, if we don't acknowledge each other, our self esteem is destroyed just by those things. Like we have to show up for each other. It's a privilege. But I feel like in this world, we get we a lot of us feel put out by helping other people, friends, it's a privilege. Like every single day, we have an opportunity to help other people who wouldn't sign up for that.
Leanne: I wish we had more people that felt that way.
Christine Handy: I mean, it is a it's a choice for sure. But but here's the thing that comes back to you, you get joy. So in essence, it's a it's a two way street. You're helping other people and by them receiving it, and by them changing or feeling inspired. They're giving you courage to to do more.
Calla: How on the nose was your character Willow to your life? Was it pretty accurate was the story in tandem for the most part?
Christine Handy: Yeah, so it's really a fictional depiction of my life. We did change the names and things like that just to protect some people. My book is actually being made into a film called Willow the feature film
Calla: So excited.
Leanne: That is so cool.
Christine Handy: I am to they, they, they market it as kind of a cross between the movie Wild and Steel Magnolias. Like, we need a good chick flick. Right? This is gonna be it. I just know it. And so the most beautiful thing about the screenplay is that it really mirrors my book. A lot of times books are the adaptation of books to film don't quite mirror the book. They're similar, but they don't really mirror it. This the adaptation, the screenplay really mirrors my book. So it's on the big screen, it's gonna look very much like the book.
Calla: Oh, my gosh, that's so exciting. So the character Willow, and now clearly you she was alone a lot of the time through all of these health issues. Yeah. Do you feel like there was a purpose for that in your life that you had to go through a lot of this alone?
Christine Handy: Yeah, because I was really codependent. And I really thought that other people like my husband, he should be taking care of me. And when I was going through that, obviously very traumatic time, and there was a lot of alone time, I had to really realize that no, I was the captain of my ship, I was in charge of my destiny. I didn't have to rely on other people. Of course, I needed help. And we all need help. And I'm a big preacher about that we need to even the simplest things can help other people a text, a call, FaceTime. You know, dropping something small off, it doesn't have to be financially a burden for you. But I needed to realize that I was good enough alone, I was good enough on my own. And subsequently I am I'm going through divorce, and I'm okay. Like I'm okay with who I am. In fact, I love who I am. And I'm okay with the place I am in. But years ago, I would have never felt comfortable being alone. So I think there's always purpose in pain, we just have to choose to see it.
Calla: Your girlfriends or your angels were a big, a big, big part of your recovery, I would say in the people that really helped you get through. And I know for me in my life, I had a very hard time having female relationships for a very long time. And now that I have a group of women that I can count on, I know that it's like life changing for me, can you speak a little bit about them and what they meant to your life?
Christine Handy: Well, I think if I didn't have those women show up for me, I would never have built that confidence in myself. So sometimes, sometimes we have to have somebody start it. And it can have that chain, you know, that overall effect that kind of wave effect on us. But somebody has to start it. And if you can't start it yourself, for me, I couldn't start it myself. I was so used to feeling bad about myself, I was stuck. And so when they started to show up for me, thankfully, I picked good friends and I guess I was a good friend or they wouldn't have hung around. And again, I mean, we and I used to say to them, I said well, this is another illness. I mean, they had taken me to physical therapy for months already. So it was now this is the was the third illness and I said, Well, are you gonna? Are you going to still help me and they said, It's okay. All the seasons of our life aren't happy. And just because you've had three kind of bad ones doesn't mean we're gonna leave you. There's going to be many, many seasons of flourishing in your life, and we're going to be there for that too. And so that kind of confidence that they had in me, built up my confidence. And so yes, there was a lot of alone time and there was a lot of time for introspection, but these women, they they took charge of my life. And they taught me what to do and they taught me how to lead for myself by modeling that for me. And so right now if I can model for other people independence and strength and courage through a lot of pain, then maybe that Give somebody courage to do it themselves. Right?
Calla: That's beautiful. Thank you.
Leanne: I want to go back to the movie. I think that's so cool. Is it surreal? What is it like to have a movie made about your own life?
Christine Handy: You know, it is surreal. And I think that the only way that I feel about it is it has nothing to do with my name. It almost doesn't have anything to do with my story. But there needs to be a story about this, there needs to be a story about women championing each other. There needs to be a story about breast cancer, because it's everywhere, unfortunately. There needs to be a story of hope. And there needs to be a good chick flick. And so if it's my story, I'm very grateful for that. But I'm not caught up in all the other stuff about it. I have no pride in it. I have no ego in it. It's not like, I look at myself and go, Oh, you know what? Good job. You know what I mean? I don't get caught up in that. Because again, I don't get caught up in things that can be taken away. Like, what if it wasn't successful? When I feel bad about myself? No. Because my measures with God, it's not with a film. It's not with my success of my book.
Leanne: It's not with the success of my speaking. My measure is different than it used to be. Do you have any like roles or creative license in the making of it?
Christine Handy: Oh, so I had control over the script. So I had the first right of refusal. And so when the when the screenplay writer His name is Ziad Hamzeh. He's incredible. He's an Oscar award winning screenplay writer, and director. When he wrote the screenplay. We both had entertainment lawyers work with us. And I said, I just want to have the last right of refusal for the script. So even when it's being made into a film, I, if they tweak the script, I can come in there and go, No, I don't like that. Or I don't like this. It has to be, you know, whatever. And so that part I really love. I kind of have control over that. But I have no control over who plays me. I have no control over the care, you know, the casting, I'll be on set. It takes about 30 days to shoot a film. So I'll be on set the whole time.
Leanne: Thats it? 30 days?
Christine Handy: Yep.
Leanne: Holy cow.
Christine Handy: Yep, all films.
Calla: It's a system.
Christine Handy: It's a system! And they also gave me two walk on part. So I can pick two friends to have a walk on.
Leanne: Oh, so cool. We'll be there. I'm just kidding.
Christine Handy: I feel like we're gonna walk the red carpet, I really do feel like this film is going to be very successful, because I think we need it. Like I said, it's important.
Leanne: We will definitely see it for sure.
Calla: There is a part in the book as well. There's two parts really that that stood out for me as like, Okay, I really needed to hear that one. Was that the part of the psychiatrist office or with your sister, or Willows sister, I don't, I don't know.
Christine Handy: It's my sister. That happened.
Calla: I want to make sure I have it accurate. At this point you were contemplating suicide, and you told her that you just did not want to live anymore. And that whole dialogue? How impactful was that for you? And do you still find yourself in moments of distress thinking about that?
Christine Handy: I think it was a good teaching moment for me, because I really felt that kind of despair, I felt that low. And when you feel that despair, you don't make good choices. And you really do in those moments have to rely on people that really love you to help you through those moments. And it's not shameful to feel that way. In fact, it's powerful to be able to share that, you know, if we have enough courage to say, this is how I felt then think about all those people that contemplate suicide and they're alone in their thoughts. And they can see a success story. And so my sister, what she said was important for me because I needed to hear that. And then I had another friend expand on that. She sat me down and she said, you know, this can be a generational burden. This can turn into multi generational things happening and it affects of course, other people and and I just You just get so caught up in the your own pain. I wasn't thinking about the pain of other people. And you know, I I don't know it, my brain wasn't functioning in the right way. And so, my sister saying that my friend saying that all those things helped me overcome that despair. And interestingly enough, my son was supposed to come home. He was my older son was in boarding school. And he was supposed to come home from boarding school, the first weekend that I after I was diagnosed, and he got in trouble at school. And then he got in trouble the next weekend. And then he got in trouble a third weekend. So by the time and I was using that opportunity for him to come home to love on him and to say I love you, but I was going to take my life. And so by the time he actually came home, which was postponed by three weeks, I was all in to save my life. So I needed that postponement and that was God.
Calla: Yeah, that's a God thing.
Christine Handy: Yeah. That that was God. God's mercy is in God's grace, thankfully, right, I wouldn't be here telling you about my story.
Calla: Yeah. The second thing for me that really hit home was with the Halloween decorations. And obviously, we're like knee deep in that, you know, season right now and what your friends did and how they came to you and said, you know, what you're surrounded by is not life giving, you know, you're surrounded by death, even if you're doing it not think like, you know, unconsciously having it surrounding you. And I just thought that that was such a neat way that they showed up for you. Have you continued that?
Christine Handy: So when my I was diagnosed with cancer, and October 1, my first chemo was October 31. Halloween, and when my friends would come over, they look around my house, and there was skulls and goblins and things that didn't represent life, even my dog bowl had some skull and crossbones. And my friend said, we can't have that in your house, we have to bring in plants, we have to bring in life, you know, things that you can see that our life, I represent life. And so I never even thought about that. And so I went through, I was in my closet one day, during that time, and I saw this beautiful scarf that I had that had skull and crossbones on it, and I gave it to a friend, I was like, I can't even have the scarf anymore. Because I so believe in that. And it's true. Like, if you look around in your life, and you you see things that represent that you watch the news all the time, man, you're gonna feel very fearful. It's what we listen to. It's what we see who we surround ourselves with. I would I'm very careful about who I follow on social media. Because I don't want that negativity. I don't want that noise, right? I want I want to see things that are hopeful and life giving.
Leanne:That's so intuitive that they even thought that about Halloween decorations. Because you know if that thought about how you can absorb the things you listen to and the things you see, but even in terms of decorations I wouldn't have even taken it that far. But at that point in your life, that makes perfect sense.
Christine Handy: Yeah. And I never thought about it either. And now I've said it so many times on interviews, or in my book that people now use that as their own, you know, kind of way.
Calla: Oh, I rearranged.
Leanne: Only pumpkins this Halloween, nothing else!
Calla: Pumpkins, and mums and beauty and yeah, all those things, and you still get the fun and the joy that this time of year brings. It's just in a different way. And I never thought of it in that context, either. I thought it was like it was a real "ah-ha" moment.
Christine Handy: That makes me so happy.
Calla: Yeah, it was really great.
Leanne: I was listening to another podcast you were on earlier. And you mentioned that you had I mean, as if all these illnesses weren't enough, you also battled with an eating disorder from a young age, I think you said you were 13. that's definitely a subject. I've had one in my life. I was 13. When I developed it as well. I know a lot of people in my life, a lot of our listeners struggle with the same kind of problems. You mentioned, when you were in college, that you finally decided you were going to open up to your parents and tell them you needed help. What brought you to that moment where you wanted to do that?
Christine Handy: My eating disorder was controlling me, I wasn't able to control it anymore. And I got to that place where I again, I had to let go of my pride, my ego, like, Oh, I got this. And I came home from college. And I said to my parents, I don't got this anymore. It's controlling me, I need help. And that was really difficult for me to say to them, it was really difficult for me to admit it. But it was also really difficult for me to admit it to my family. And so I stayed in the hospital for a month. And that really, really helped me. You know, it was relearning how to eat. I was in the hospital with a psychologist teaching me about self esteem and my value and and that really changed the trajectory of my eating disorder. But I don't know if I could have. For me, I don't know that I could have gotten away from that pattern, those patterns and not behavior without like a full stop. Like being in the hospital, that that changed my trajectory.
Leanne: And then when you had a healthier mindset around eating, was it harder to be in the modeling industry after that? Or did it change they way you thought about it?
Christine Handy: Yeah, it was harder. But I kind of took my knowledge. Funny, I kind of took my knowledge back then did the other models and I kind of share, you know, with what I had gone through. It's funny, I haven't really thought about that in a long time. And so I was kind of helping people back then. And, you know, maybe I was the one that had to go through it because maybe I was the one that was going to be able to share the story, right?
Calla: You never know.
Leanne: You're modeling again now.
Christine Handy: Right? Yeah, I'm actually yes, I have a modeling agency and I'm modeling in New York Fashion Week in February.
Leanne: Oh my god. That's so cool.
Calla: Congratulations, that's so cool.
Christine Handy: I mean, it's so cool. It's So cool.
Calla: Do you love it just as much or more now?
Christine Handy: I think I love it more because I'm, you know that what I'm what the brands are putting me in are very fitted clothing. So you're gonna see the concave chest. So there's a purpose in my modeling now, which before I loved it, but there was no, there wasn't really such a purpose for it. There's a more meaningful purpose now. So I feel very lucky, I feel very lucky to represent people with concave chest. Because trust me when I tell you, I get the messages on social media. And I hear the pain. And I hear the embarrassment. I hear the shame because they compare themselves to other women in this world. Which by the way, is a self esteem destroyer. Comparison. And I just think I have to I have to show this off. One, this is who I am, this is what I look like, I'm not covering it up and to I have the self confidence to do it. Take it or leave it right. I don't really care if people don't like it. But if I can represent this demographic of people saying I'm flatten I'm fabulous. And I and I change people's perspective, or inspire them to do that as well. Again, lucky me.
Leanne: Yeah. Have you noticed going back into the modeling industry with the me too in the body positivity movements? And all of that has anything changed dramatically there?
Christine Handy: Dramatically, dramatically, dramatically. Just look at the advertisements all around you. You know, there's women of different weights and sizes and heights. And, and it's more accepting, right? I mean, the only listen, the only reason I'm walking in New York Fashion Week is not because of my beauty. It's because I'm a longtime model. I have a story and I have a concave chest. I'm okay with that. Because I'm representing a demographic of people that need to see that. But come on. I mean, let's let's be real. So I think it's amazing. I was just at fashion week in New York in September. And there were people that were modeling that were 80 and 10. And, you know, larger and smaller and everything in between. And it was beautiful for me to see that. Because when I was really at my prime modeling, I didn't see any of that. So it's dramatically changed.
Leanne:
You've got full different perspectives. That's so cool.
Christine Handy: I'm a lifer. I'm still going strong,
Leanne: You'll be 80 years old on that runway.
Christine Handy: I'll be 80 years old after all these illnesses all I'll live, you know, I'll never age. You know, everybody's like, Oh, yeah, you know, you have an earlier expiration date. I'm thinking to myself, I don't think so. I think I'm gonna outlive all of you.
Calla: I love that outlook. I think that's a great perspective to have. And I look forward to watching that happen. How soon into your diagnosis and everything that you walked through did you know that you wanted to write the book?
Christine Handy: Pretty quickly, because now this had been my third major illness? And I thought there's got to be a purpose for all this pain. Yeah. And, and so pretty quickly. So I started to take notes during chemotherapy, I started to save letters that I had gotten I started to save text. And I just started to have kind of a journal of what was going on. So I would remember stuff. Because you know, when you go through chemotherapy, you don't remember a lot, especially because chemo brain. And so I was trying to really organize my thoughts so that I could write a book after. Yeah.
Calla: Fast forward to when when COVID hit and the issue with your breast happened again? What was that moment like? Were you just like, here we go again, or I've totally got this or what? Because I would think that would be very difficult to have to take yourself into another doctor's office after that.
Christine Handy: Well, I you know, after chemotherapy, I had a lot of health issues, I lost three teeth, I went through major chemotherapy, I lost three teeth, because it destroyed my teeth. I have heart issues from chemo, I have a liver spot from chemo. There's so many things like people look at me, and they're like, Oh, you're so you know, your tract or whatever, you know. And I'm like, my insides aren't as attractive. Right? I mean, that's just and I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with it. I don't want that. But that's the reality. That is my reality. And so when I when this whole thing happened with my chest, I really did. I really said to God, I was like, Have I not had enough? Right? Like, what are we doing here? And so here's the beautiful that thing that came out of it. For many months, I felt really. Despair is not the word. I didn't feel despair. But I felt I mean, it was really sad. It was like this lingering sadness. And I finally went into my closet and try it on a bunch of clothes. It took me months to do that because half of my wardrobe I couldn't wear anymore. And so I started to take stuff out of my closet and that was a brave moment for me. And then one morning I woke up a couple months after that, and I said I've got to make some prototype of a bathing suit for women because I live in Miami. And so I would go to bathing suit shops looking for something to wear. And there was nothing. And if I bought something that had a had a pad in it, the minute you get in the water, the pad is inverted, because you have no chest. And that doesn't work. And so and I again, I've had so many messages from social media where people were like, if you find a bathing suit, can you let me know. And so one morning I woke up in, you know, after feeling this kind of low level of sadness. And I went to my medicine cabinet, and I took out a, an ace bandage. And I started to wrap it around my chest. And I made a prototype of a bathing suit talk. And then I called a company in Miami that has this couture bathing suit line, which by the way took courage because for there were moments where I was like, Oh, this is a bad idea. They're not gonna they don't want to listen to you. And I stopped that voice. I took it captive. And I was like, that's not true. Don't tell yourself those lies. And so I called this babies to company. And I said, Can I meet with you? And the woman said, for sure. So I met with the CEO of the company. And I brought my ace bandage. And I'd also gone to Michael's and MJ designs, I bought fabrics and ribbons. And so I brought all this and I said, we can make something for these people. They need it, I need it, they need it more. And she said Sign me up. I'm all in. So she was actually being interviewed the next day with Forbes. And she talked all about this collaboration. So there's actually an article in Forbes about it. So we are manufacturing bathing suits for women who have flat or concave chest. So again, I think I shout this from the rooftops all the time, you are going to go through pain, there is going to be really despair, unfortunately, in your life. I wish I could not. I wish I could stop it. But there will be what are you gonna do with it? I say that to myself all the time. What are you going to do with this pain? There has to be purpose in it. And I find a way to help other people with it. That helps me.
Leanne: Yeah. Well, speaking of helping other people, I know that you're on the board of a few different nonprofits. Do you mind sharing what they are and why you wanted to get behind them.
Christine Handy: So I'm so excited about e-beauty! E-beauty is a nonprofit. It's a an organization that a woman in Miami started, I think 12 years ago. And it's a wig exchange program. And so when I was going through treatment, I was able to afford wigs, and I had several, because that made me feel a little bit more normal. And so this is, this is a way that people can give back and donate their wigs. And we've partnered with L'Oreal who gives us grant money. And we've partnered with the Paul Mitchell salons who they wash and style our wigs. And then we redistribute, redistribute those to women who need a wig who cannot afford it. So it's a free service. You just go to our website, e-beauty calm, and you pick the color, you pick the style, and we'll ship it out to you. Our biggest cost is shipping. But we get grant money to cover that. And to date we have redistributed over 60,000 Free wigs.
Leanne: That's amazing.
Christine Handy: 60,000
Calla: Incredible. That's amazing.
Christine Handy: I'm trying to talk about that all the time. Because there's so often people don't know about this resource, and it's free. The second board of directors I'm on is another nonprofit. I have the privilege of speaking in prisons in Florida. And so I spoke at one of the prisons about four years ago, and one of the inmates got out of prison. And he reached out to me on social media, and he said, would you meet with me and I was like, of course. And so I met him it was about a two hour drive. And we met at this pizza place. It's a cute story. He comes in with this. He's got a full red like suit on like a sports coat and all red. And he's got this big black briefcase and he comes in and he was like, I have a whole plan. We're gonna change the state the landscape of recidivism in Palm Beach County. I was like, Okay, I'm all ears. So we stayed there for a few hours. And about two years ago, we solidified this organization, it became a nonprofit. And we have 12 board members, and we are doing a lot of good work in Palm Beach County. We are changing the landscape of recidivism. And so that organization is called People of Purpose. And that's who he and I started this organization.
Leanne: Where did your compassion for inmates come from?
Christine Handy: When I became a motivational speaker, I, I just took all the opportunities that were put in front of me. I didn't really care who it was in front of I knew that my story translated into different messages, and I knew that I could speak to many different audiences. I kind of thought when the state of Florida hired me that I was going to be speaking in women's prisons, but I've never spoken in a woman's prison. I always speak in men's prisons. That's where they put me in and I give them a lot of hope, which is amazing. Wherever God puts me, that's where I go.
Calla: That's wild, right? You just never know where you're gonna end up. I think that's so cool. Where do you feel you're being led to next? What are your hopes for yourself?
Christine Handy: Well, I do need some balance in my life. And I've been talking about that a lot lately. I pretty much have worked for the last six years non stop. Because I felt like I, you know, I I needed to help people I was so I felt so alone in my journey for so long that I thought I can use this to help other people so they don't feel so alone. And so I've been working nonstop. And you know, sometimes people will look at my success and go, Oh, you're just so lucky. And I think that's not luck. That's like, 15 hours. Seven days a week. Yeah, we get myself and, and so now I would like to take a step back, and I want to watch the film be made. And I want to just take some time off. Tomorrow. I'm going on vacation. I haven't been on vacation five years.
Calla: Oh, congratulations, girl!
Christine Handy: I'm going to Laguna Beach. But the funny thing is, is like I'm only taking three days off, I know my limit.
Calla: Christine!
Christine Handy: But it's baby steps trying to get the balance in my life. I'm tiptoeing my way in there.
Leanne: That's awesome.
Calla: When you are traveling, how do you find time to take care of yourself? What are you doing?
Christine Handy: I'm always walking. But when I'm walking, I'm, like, It's funny. I'm walking, I'm looking at my phone or I'm listening to something, you know, cheering me on. And so, um, you know, I travel, I live a life of very strong intention. I live a life of very strong purpose. And wherever that goes, wherever that takes me. So if I'm walking down the street in New York, because I'm up in New York meeting with brands, I'm talking to people, I'm saying hello to people instead of just walking by them. And so I think from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep, there's opportunities to serve and help other people make them feel not so alone. And I use every opportunity they can. I mean, I was in New York for Fashion Week, and I was on the subway and we're all messed up on the subways, and I'm sitting next to people and I'm like, starting conversations, you know, how are you doing today? I really want to know how you're doing. Don't just tell me you're fine. How are you really doing? You know, kind of opening up things and people they love it. They love it. They want to be seen?
Leanne: It is funny because we do live in a culture where it is rude if you don't say like, Hello, how are you? But literally like, it happened on my way to work this morning. You walk past someone, it's Hey, how are you? And they they just keep walking? Like it's not like good. Alright, me too. Okay, by way, like, it's not genuine, but it's just kind of like a formality. I don't do small talk.
Calla: Yeah, me neither. It's a problem. Like whenever I'm at a checkout or whatever. No, seriously, people will just pour their whole life onto you. And, I enjoy it -it's happened since I was like, very young people would just tell me things. So it's just wild.
Leanne: Calla knows all the secrets!
Calla: Well, I don't want to say that.
Christine Handy: Well, people trust you, that's a really good compliment.
Calla: It's nice to be able to hold space for people and their stories. I mean, that's what this whole thing was was founded on and the importance of conversation and learning. Learning from other people. So I can't thank you enough for coming in and talking with us today. I've really been looking forward to this.
Christine Handy: Thank you. Thanks for the privilege. Really, thank you so much.
Leanne: Yeah, no, we're so happy to have you here. Do you have any words of wisdom or hope for people who are going through life altering challenges right nowI feel like the whole podcast is full of them. But that might be redundant. But anything to leave off on?
Christine Handy: Well, I you know, when I have dark moments, like we all do it, you know, when in relational or, you know, just in disappointments. I remind myself to say to myself, let go and let God and it's hard like we were driven, right? All three of us. And we want to control a lot of it. But we're not in control.
Calla: Not even a little bit.
Christine Handy: Right? I mean, it's just true. So giving it to God for me if if I'm walking into a moment where I feel bad I go okay, God take over, please. That dependency on God for me, versus the dependency on the world. It's life changing.
Calla: I agree. Thank you so much. We can't wait to see the movie. We can't wait to read the next book. And I hope we can give you a hug someday soon.
Christine Handy: Definitely. I will always continue the conversation. Our paths will cross again. I'm sure of it.
Calla: Can't wait for it. To take care, Christine. Thank you.
Leanne: Thanks Christine!